MORTAL KOMBAT for Dummies
by Indy Croft
Summary: Needed a break from Romance for a bit


MORTAL KOMBAT FOR DUMMIES  
  
Disclaimer: All this is just a motley combination of shows, monologs, books, ect. That have been tossed together for your reading enjoyment. Many of the references that you will hopefully understand are not my own. They belong to other people. No character in this story is mine, so don't sue me. Thanks.  
  
::::Our scene opens with three people relaxing in comfy looking chairs. As the lights come up, they are revealed to be Rayden, Liu Kang, and Regis Filbert. Cathy Lee is currently out portraying a minnow in shark- infested waters to become closer to nature. Rayden takes a sip from a nearby cup of coffee, and looks toward the suddenly appeared out of nowhere audience while flashing an electric smile. (Flashing, electric, get it?)::::  
  
Regis: Good evening, and welcome back to Authors.com, the newest show about authors who want to talk about their books. With me today is Lord Rayden, the Chinese Thunder God and protector of the Realm of Earth, and his best warrior, Liu Kang. Rayden has written the new astounding novel: Mortal Kombat for Dummies. Tell me, Mr. Rayden, what made you write this novel, and what exactly is its purpose?"  
  
Rayden: Well, Regie, it's basically this: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE DOING WHEN PLAYING THE GAME!!!! Yeah, sure, we slash and maim each other, before tossing ourselves into acid filled pits and such, but there's a soul jarring art in the fights.  
  
Liu: Yes, that's correct. You see, when people play us, we are merely perceived as machines to let out the frustration of the everyday stresses people meet: traffic jams, computer jams, printer jams, phone jams, strawberry instead of grape on your morning toast jams, Christina A. using apricot jam to get that friz on her hair down jams.  
  
Rayden: :::smacks him upside the head.::: While Flower Power has a point over here, the other side of the coin is that we are immortal characters of the video world. and NO ONE APPRECIATES US FOR IT!!! We work and slave to knock ourselves out for the enjoyment of brain dead people who can't even perform a fatality correctly, and what do we get? Restart and kill again. WITHOUT EVEN A DECENT FATALITY! Most of the time, people just like to throw some measly punches and a few sweeps, but come on! There's so much more to it than that!  
  
Regis: So, basically, you wrote this book to let the public know of your frustrations.  
  
Rayden: And to properly teach new MK fans how to fight properly.  
  
Regis: Now, how do you achieve that?  
  
Rayden: Simply by helping the reader get into the minds of the characters. Let me introduce them to you. First off, there's me! I'm a thunder god with a nasty temper and a sarcastic sense of humor who only fights for the glory of saying that even as a mortal, I can still kick Shang Tsung's ass. Liu Kang. is a pansy-  
  
Liu: Hey!  
  
Rayden: -but a decent fighter none the less. and still the so-called champion of the fight. Until Ryu Hoshi comes over from Street Fighter 2 and knocks him on his ass in a ball of fire from his Hadoken and Shinshoryuken.  
  
Regis: . What?  
  
Rayden: Shin-Sho-Ryu-Ken. It's a flaming uppercut.  
  
Regis: :::nods with enthusiasm, though is still completely blank::::  
  
Rayden: ::::remains oblivious to this::: Anyway-  
  
Liu: :::with an air of dignity::: I prefer to be called Harmonious Pansicus.  
  
Rayden: :::blinks at him before pulling a wet strudel from behind his back and smacking Liu in the face with it. Liu proceeds to fall over his chair backwards::: Anyway, next is sexy Sonya Blade. She wants to kill Kano. That's her motivation. and basically her point in the game. To kill Kano. Kano is in the game. to be chased and killed by Sonya. Sub-Zero and Scorpion are kickass ninjas with fire and ice stuff going on between them. Um.  
  
Regis: Um?  
  
Rayden: :::scratches head while digging his toe into the floor:::: Well, ya see, I kinda got wrapped up in seeing the movie of Mortal Kombat. and I kinda got wrapped up in the New Line Cinema storyline. and I kinda forgot the video game storylines behind each character.. So I can't really say much about anyone else.  
  
Regis: Is that your final answer?  
  
Rayden: Uh..  
  
Liu: Go for a lifeline! Go for a lifeline!  
  
Audience: IT'S D!!! PICK D!!!  
  
Regis: Anyway, we've looked over the reviews for your book, and we've brought on some people with contrasting views. While thousands have rushed to the bookstores for this newest MK installment, a few people aren't too happy with you. Well, one, actually. So let's bring him on out!  
  
Audience: Cheers! Oh. wait. :::cheers::::  
  
Dan Deerdorf: Johnny Cage, come on down! You're the next contestant in the. uh. what is this again?  
  
Regis: Well it ain't The Price is Right, so go back to your sports broadcasting.  
  
Bob Barker: :::bent over his cane and trembling a bit::: Aw, damn. And I got all decked out in my Victoria's Secret camper suit for this. Shit. :::walks away::::  
  
Johnny: :::comes running down the stairs and at the bottom performs a fairly decent Rocky impression:::: SONYA!!!  
  
Audience: :::stares:::  
  
Rayden: :::stares::::  
  
Regis: :::stares:::  
  
Liu: :::drools at the picture he found of Kitana in the latest edition of Edenia Playboy::::  
  
Johnny: :::fixes his sunglasses and sits down:::: Hello, Regis.  
  
Regis: Hi, Johnny. So, you disagree with Rayden's book. Why?  
  
Johnny: Well, Regis, lemme tell ya a story about the time I went into fight for the Vietnam war. I was shipped to Austrlgalia to make peace with the brothers there. So we shot hopes and chilled on some oregano. They introduced me to smoked rubber. I introduced them to Tupperware. Then. she showed up. She was the love of my life. Came out of nowhere with an M- 16 machine gun and a look that would set the entire village on fire. Our eyes met, and it was lust at first sight. Abandoning her search for some one eyed pompous ass, we fell onto a cushioned bed of banana leaves and peacock feathers, where we made love, sweet, hot, passionate, sweaty, LOUD love, over and over until we dug ourselves all the way through to the Yellow River. I remember the villagers cheering me on the whole time, and at every brief intermission they held up a sign with an overall score. Then she left me. for some Chinese soy man. I was never so devastated. The men tried to consol me, but in my state of rage, I burned and pillaged, and attacked their trees with chopsticks-OH GOD! THE PAIN!  
  
Regis: ::::stares momentarily at the actor having a conniption fit on the floor:::  
  
Johnny: :::kneels and pounds at the floor:::: THEY DESTROYED IT! THEY DESTROYED IT ALL! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!  
  
Bill Gates: Houston, we have a problem.  
  
Audience: :::at the sight of the lame computer geek, audience screams wildly and begins ripping chairs out of the floor, charging at him with all the control of a stampede.  
  
Liu: FIGHT!  
  
Bill: ::::screams under the massive barrage of steel and plastic being thrown on him::::  
  
Rayden and Regis: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Down the hall: ::::people are pounding loudly on the door, kicking and scratching to get in, and without warning, the doors burst open and.. OH DEAR GOD NO!! NO!!!  
  
Johnny: What?  
  
Regis: Oh, sweet angry lord. it can't be!  
  
Liu: Can we stop them? Rayden, please, save us!  
  
Rayden: No one can be saved from the-  
  
Johnny: Don't say it!  
  
Audience: The DAVID DUCHOVNY ESTROGEN BRIGADE! :::runs away screaming in fear as the leader steps forward to speak::::  
  
Arnold Schwarzennegar: Hello, we are apart of the David Duchovny Estrogen Brigade, and we are looking for charitable donations toward a new pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs for our royal ruler. Would you care to make a donation?  
  
Indy: OH THE HORROR! ::::hair sticks up and develops a white streak like the Bride of Frankenstein before running off::::  
  
Liu: Did she just say her hair ran off?  
  
Regis: :::studies Indy's action:::: Yes, that's what she wrote.  
  
Johnny: HEY! Damnit, she can't leave, she's writing the damn thing!  
  
Indy: ::::runs back and tosses the pen and paper at Rayden:::: I just fired myself and hired you. Good luck! :::dashes off again:::  
  
Rayden: ::::quirks eyebrow and begins laughing like Beavis::: I am Cornholio! :::scribbles on the pad and then a whole bunch of skimpy clad girls show up jumping on trampolines::::  
  
Johnny: :::gapes::::  
  
Regis: ::::gapes:::  
  
Arnold: ::::gapes:::  
  
Liu: ::::pants at Kitana who just happened to appear wearing nothing but her fans:::  
  
Audience: :::come back to stare at girls on trampolines. Some grab a few choice alcoholic beverages, and everyone start partying:::  
  
All: LATE NIGHT! COME HOME! WORK SUCKS! I KNOW! SHE LEFT ME ROSES BY THE STAIRS! SUPRISES LET ME KNOW SHE CARES! SAY IT AIN'T SO, I WILL NOT GO, TURN THE LIGHTS OFF, CARRY ME HOME! :::begins a huge mosh pit::::  
  
Johnny: :::being bumped from side to side::: Rayden! What the hell are you doing? Will you hurry up and fix this thing?!  
  
Rayden: ::::too busy head banging:::  
  
Johnny: Liu! We have to stop this thing!  
  
Liu: ::::too busy crowd surfing:::::  
  
Johnny: Fine! :::grabs pen and paper, but before he can write anything, he is knocked to the ground by Regis:::  
  
Regis: No! ::::Grabs Johnny around the neck and starts wringing him like Homer wrings Bart::: I'm warning you. I'm going to get angry. D'you see? You're not wanted. Understand? We are going to have fun on this island. Understand? We are going to have fun on this island! So don't try it on, my poor misguided boy, or else- Or else we shall do you? See? Jack and Roger and Maurice and Robert and Bill and Piggy and Ralph. Do you. See?  
  
Johnny: :::stares strangely at Regis as his head suddenly turns into a severed pig's head on a stick. Suddenly has trouble breathing:::: My-my asthma.  
  
Rayden: :::throws a tequila bottle at him::: Sucks to your ass-mar!  
  
Johnny: :::tequila bottle hits him in the face and his glasses fall and break on the carpeted floor:::: MY SPECS!  
  
Regis: SUCKS TO YOUR SPECS! AND TO YOUR AUNTIE TOO! SHE'S FAT AND EATS TOO MANY SWEETS!  
  
Johnny: WHY YOU LITTLE- ::::attacks Regis and a struggle ensues. Finally, Regis gets Indy's paper, scribbles something, and Johnny disappears::::  
  
Arnold: :::from trampoline with Jessica Fletcher::: Where'd he go?  
  
Johnny: ::::screams as he continues falling through space when suddenly he finds himself on his back in a digital looking world with bright colors:::: Holy shit, I landed in a Polaroid. :::suddenly, there's a loud squawking, and Johnny turns to see a giant chicken bird running at him with a blonde spike haired dude on top. On his back is a very large sword:::  
  
Dude: What side are you on?  
  
Johnny: :::blinks:::: What?  
  
Dude: Wrong answer! :::pulls on reigns of chicken bird and chicken bird flies at him. Johnny gets picked up by the nape of his coat and is dragged along:::  
  
Johnny: Wha-what th-the he-hell is-is th-this thi-thing?  
  
Dude: It's a Chocobo!  
  
Johnny: WHAT?!  
  
Arnold: Oh, is that where he disappears to for the 3rd Mk game?  
  
Rayden: :::nods solemnly:::: Yep. What can I say? It had to be done.  
  
Around the room you can see the set has been totally smashed. The Estrogen Brigade has left in search of a new idol to stalk and enslave because Arnold was just a really poor chairperson. So now, they all just sit around, staring at the goddesses bouncing around (in more ways in one, they noted happily) as they finished up the DEA's latest stolen shipment of Chinese imported weed.  
  
Rayden: :::dazed and high, looks to camera that is tilting downward and is cutting off everyone's heads:::  
  
All: OUCH! OH, GOD, OH MERCY STOP! I CAN'T SEE! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOUR PUTTING YOUR HANDS THERE; THAT'S MINE!  
  
Rayden: Well, Ladies and jelly spoons, this brings us to the conclusion of yet another Author.com episode. Thanks for joining us, and tune in next time when Regis takes on Survivor, Why Every Female Survivor Becomes A Candidate for A Showgirl. Take care, now. Buh-bye.  
  
END! 


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